Zero or a one?

Today's quote: A writer? What do you have to write about? You're not oppressed. You're not gay.

I've often wondered whether I am a leader or a follower. All my life my father has pushed me to be a leader, and I usually ended up in those roles in school. President of Honor Society, member of student government, etc. I'd always felt that I didn't really like being in that sort of role, because it seemed to me that people expected so much of you. I've always had a fear of being overestimated and disappointing people. I'd rather be the underdog who pleasantly surprises others with my unknown and astonishing abilities.

So the start of my transformation began in college. I swore to myself that I would not let myself be known as that geek, that do-all annoying overachiever. I set out to be the best slacker I could be. That's when I found out that it wasn't really my parents who pushed me to do all those things. Maybe to some extent, but they weren't the determinative factor. I realized that I have a nasty little streak of competitiveness. However, choosing a difficult major soon beat that out of me. No longer could I compete with those alphas at the front of the pack, it was all I could do to survive.

Now, here I am at a crossroads, wondering if I really want to be a lawyer. This really leads me back to a bigger question, however. One of the main problems I have with being a lawyer is the whole scenario where I would have to join a big firm at the bottom rung as junior associate, grind my way up the ladder relentlessly trying to get that bigger paycheck and better hours, so that I can go from working 100+ hours a week to just 80+ hours a week. All of this while taking all that bullshit from the senior partners who slough off their drudgery and unwanted crapwork onto those unfortunate junior associates. I think this is the part where I have the biggest problem. If I have to be doing crapwork, I want to be the one making myself do it, not because some asshole higher-up tells me to.

I've always known that I had problems with authority. It's the real reason why I can't go to church. Especially since visiting Parkview, I feel that the sermons and the show put on are not-so-subtle attempts at brainwashing the masses. I'm not saying that I know any better than others in how to worship, but I think perhaps I am most comfortable in my own way, and not by following the orders of others.

So am I leader, or a follower? I'm not sure. I don't want the responsibilities of a leader, nor do I like being in the spotlight and having controversy and gossip surround my existence. But I also dislike following the often stupid orders of other people. I don't always believe in doing something just because it works, I like to see that it's the best way, or sometimes I like to see if there are other ways. Daddy always said I was stubborn, and maybe it's the real root of my problem with authority. I often think that I could do whatever it is better.

Maybe I can end up as the person right next to the leader? Someone who has input, but doesn't have to deal with all of the responsibilities and publicity.

The Unattainable

Today's quote: The truth is I gave my heart away a long time ago, my whole heart, and I never really got it back.

I was speaking to my sister on the phone today. She told me that she saw this movie that totally depressed her and made her cry, but that it was really good. She wouldn't tell me what it was, because she didn't want me to go watch it and get the same way. As soon as she said "good, but depressing" the first movie that came to mind was The Notebook. I asked her if that was it, and I was right.

Then we got into this whole discussion about how movies like that are so depressing and yet so good because they portray something that we all wish we could find for ourselves. We of today, so cynical and so jaded, nevertheless hope in the deepest of our hearts that sometimes the movies could be true, that some of us could be that lucky and get that happy ending after all. The truth is, we want to think that we could come to mean so much to someone else, that we could be that special. Of course we scoff at those brave enough to admit that in public, but isn't the real reason why these chick flicks make so much money is because we want to get away from the daily humdrum of our boring and unromantic lives?

Obviously, the take from the male sentiment is different. Many think that these ideas of love and relationships plant notions in our heads that make us yearn for the unattainable. Is it really unattainable? Or is it often used as an excuse for being lazy? I don't think it takes too much work to try to infuse a little romance into a relationship to make the girl feel special. And if the guy feels that the girl isn't that special to begin with, then perhaps he shouldn't be with her.

Most Influential Person?

Today's quote: Life is not the amount of breaths you take, it's the moments that take your breath away.

I was filling out a personality profile with my sister on the internet, and she came across this question: Other than your parents, who is the most influential person in your life, and why? This question only drew blank stares from both me and my sis. Neither of us knew what to put for it.

It's one of those irritating questions that keeps popping up over and over again. I am pretty sure I encountered it as a personal statement question when applying to college, and then again to law school, and I know L ran across it also when applying to grad school. Who comes up with these stupid questions? This question was even worse because it ruled out the most common option of choosing either your mom or your dad.

I know people think that adding these types of questions to applications help to round out their image of the applicant, and also gives the applicant a chance to distinguish themselves from all the others. However, why can't they come up with better questions? You see these dumb questions when applying to jobs, schools, hell, you even see them in the Miss America beauty pageant.

Just Another Statistic

Today's quote: Dismiss your vows, your feigned tears, your flattery;
For where a heart is hard they make no battery.

I was reading a novel during one of my "on" times. You know how it is, you squeeze in some other types of reading when you can, just to be able to say that you do read stuff outside of school. At least, I do. Anyway, the novel was fiction, but it quoted some statistics that made me wonder. It said that the US has about 4% of the world population (back around 1990), about 18% of the global wealth, but produces 50% of the lawyers in the world. That made my jaw drop. I always knew that the number of people graduating from law school every year was high, but I had no idea. I have no way of verifying that figure, but I can only guess that it's probably true, especially given the recent turn of the economy in the last few years. I remember picking up a Business Week two years ago, and it showed the percentage of applications to law school had increased by 36% from the previous year. The year before that, applications had risen by about 27%.

My father never wanted me to be a lawyer. I don't know if I really feel like joining an already glutted market and fighting over my own scraps to eke out a salary.

Rude awakening..

Today's quote: Well, how long is your program? Well, it was a million tiny little things that, when you added them all up, they meant we were supposed to be together... and I knew it. I knew it the very first time I touched her. It was like coming home, only to no home I'd ever known. I was just taking her hand to help her out of a car and I knew. It was like... magic.

I had the worst time waking up this morning. I woke up for a few minutes, and kind of drifted back to sleep. About 10 minutes later my mother calls and wakes me up. I was semi-concious, so I answered the phone pretty quickly since I hadn't fallen into a deep sleep. The thing is, every morning when I first start talking I sound like I'm croaking. Whoever gets to talk to me first has the benefit of hearing my lovely voice.

So this morning it was good ole mom. She wanted me to call Social Security and see about an application for dad, since he just turned 65. In mid-conversation the call dropped, so I called her back. Now, logical people would realize that if I didn't want to talk to her, I wouldn't have called back, right? However, the normal things like logic and reason just don't seem to apply to my parents, particularly not my mother. I called her back, and she starts going, whose phone dropped that call??? Did you hang up? I was like, I don't know, mom. Thing was, I happened to be yawning while I said that, since I had just kinda woken up. She knew I just woke up. For some crazy reason she starts flipping out and suddenly starts shrieking at me "What, you don't even want to do this for us, you worthless good-for-nothing daughter?!!!!!" And a bunch of other crap that a normal profanity filter would leave out. Then she hung up on me. I was left staring at my phone in utter bewilderment, going WTF.

I called dad back instead, and asked him if she'd lost all her marbles. The crazy thing was, she was still shrieking in the background. Finally my dad roars at her "WOMAN SHUT UP!!!!"

After all that it was great finding out that the government keeps raising the age for social security benefits, so my father doesn't actually qualify until he's 65.5 years old. And it was even better that they used up so many of my anytime minutes putting me on hold only to tell me that their computer systems are down and to call back tomorrow. They suck.

The Devil Drink

Today's quote: I am a leaf on the wind. Watch how I soar.

Oh man. Ohhhh man. Remind me next time to keep my big mouth shut. I came up with the bright idea to play spades with four people, but not on teams. The premise was that every two hands we would tally up the score, and the biggest loser would have to take a shot. So before the game we went out to the liquor store and N decided that we should buy a drink called 99 Blackberries. I have never heard of this drink before, but I guess that's just me, because there is a whole line of this 99 stuff including 99 Bananas, 99 Apples, 99 Hot Damn, etc. The Hot Damn (cinnamon) was all out, so that's how we settled on 99 Blackberries. All of these are called 99 because that's what proof they are. So I foolishly agreed to this drink, thinking to myself, oh of course blackberries should taste great, right?

N decided that we should at least have some dinner before we got all f*cked up playing spades, so we all had some thai curry, which was fairly spicy. My brother decided we should take a test run of the 99 Blackberries, so he cracked the bottle and we all took a shot. OH MY GOD. That stuff was soooo nasty. It was like drinking super concentrated cherry cough syrup. It brought the proverbial tears to my eyes and hair on my chest and all that good stuff. As if that wasn't bad enough, my brother thought that it was so gross that he should mix it with Crown Royal. Then we tasted that, and that was even worse. It was a really nasty concoction of cough syrupy whiskeyish devil's brew. It was literally the nastiest alcohol I have ever had the bad luck to come across in my life.

By that point, we'd had curry for dinner, and also snacked on some beef jerky and guacamole Doritos. I totally ended up regretting eating all that stuff. Although I ultimately ended up with the highest score for the spades game, I did end up having to take one full shot of that nasty Crown Royal/99 Blackberries crap because one hand I had the lowest score. Altogether, I'd only had two shots, but my body decided it did not like it. I threw up 3 times that night. I can tell you that the green Doritos and the curry were not pretty coming back up. Everyone was making fun of me saying I was a cheap date, but really I'm not! Last year at the Halloween party I'd had several beers, about 4 shots, and then more beers, and I still didn't end up as messed up as last night. I blame it all on the 99 Blackberries devil drink.

To top it all off, I had the most vicious hangover I've ever had in my life. Actually, this is the only hangover I've ever had. I swore that I would never drink again. J doesn't believe me. He said that a law student saying that they're never drinking again is like a hooker saying she'll never have sex again.

Why certain memories?

Today's quote: I think she's the saddest girl to ever to hold a martini.

I often wonder why some memories linger with us longer than others. I have recollections of how certain people looked at particular moments, of being terrified during some events, of being advised of what to do or not do in certain cases. Do people really believe that you have to have the sour with the sweet in order to enjoy the sweet that much more? I don't think so. I believe that imagination could adequately supply what is needed in order to appreciate what you are lucky enough to have. Of course, I do believe that misfortune and suffering could build character, if the individual is so inclined to believe. Too bad we can't choose what we can remember.

My brother likes to recount to others often of an encounter that we had back when I was about 2 or 3. He was about 17, and I was being put to bed by my parents. I'd kissed everyone goodnight except for him. My mother asked me, "Aren't you going to kiss your oldest brother goodnight?" Apparently I replied, "NO." Then I turned around and flounced out of the room. Isn't it odd that my brother would hold on to such an weird memory? He likes to tell me often, "You were soooo cute back then! What happened?" Ugh. Brothers.

Enough...!

Today's quote: Do you remember what you told me once? That every passing minute is a another chance to turn it all around.

I had a really late night. I ended up going to see my brother at work, and watching some of the players. Then N and I went to a bar, and afterwards to a friend's house. It's funny how these dealers talk shop all the time. As if it's not enough that they work these crazy hours dealing poker all the time, on their off time they get together and talk more about poker, and if they're not talking about it with each other they're watching it on tv! And I thought law students were bad.

I'm wondering how far this poker fad will go. I've seen all these guys playing online at the law school, and almost all the guys I know play it now. All I can say is, it's not meant for everyone, and someone has to be the fish. Those people should keep their day jobs.

Lucid dreaming?

Today's quote: It has been said something as small as the flutter of a butterfly's wing can ultimately cause a typhoon halfway around the world.

Ever since I can remember, I have had vivid dreams every night. I usually have about 4-5 dreams a night. When I was young I used to sleepwalk. This frightened my parents no end, especially since my habit was to sleepwalk into their room and just stand by their bedside. They thought I would have to have an exorcism done on me. As I got older the sleepwalking stopped, but I know I still talk in my sleep. I have still been known to occasionally do or say things asleep that I have no recollection of.

The dream world is altogether too vivid and real to me. Does anyone else dream in color? I do. Most mornings I wake up feeling tired, as if I'd been working all night. That's because at least one of the 4-5 dreams is usually a nightmare of some sorts, anywhere from something stupid as having a giant pimple on my nose and discovering it at school to being trapped in a burning water tower and being burned alive to death. Has anyone else ever died in a dream? I've been told that no person should ever dream that, and that there is a strong chance that heart failure can occur from dreaming such a thing. I have actually died in my dreams twice now. I have to admit, it's a very eerie thing.

I would like to be able to control my dreams better. Sleep time should be something pleasant and restful, not something to be dreaded. Does lucid dreaming work? I've never been able to master it yet.

My middle name is Grace

Today's quote: It won't last. Brothers and sisters are natural enemies. Like Englishmen and Scots! Or Welshmen and Scots! Or Japanese and Scots! Or Scots and other Scots! Damn Scots! They ruined Scotland!

I usually loathe getting out of bed in the mornings, but this is really a bit ridiculous. I electrocuted myself this morning. Talk about a jump start to the day. Ironically, it happened while I was trying to unplug this damn laptop from the wall. My bed has an ornate headboard that prevents me from getting to the outlet right behind the bed, so I have to crawl under the bed to get to it. The charger came halfway out, and I wasn't thinking and grabbed around it and touched the prongs, which were apparently still connected to the current. I got this shock to my hand which caused me to jump, and of course, hit my head on the underside of the bed. Needless to say, the words coming out of my mouth were not pretty.

I've always wondered what it would be like to get electrocuted. Now I know. My hand has gone from numbness to hurting and now a weird tingling throbbing.

Why slot machines?

Today's quote: Don't worry, Miss Bahmra. Our designs will make even these little mosquito bites look like juicy, juicy mangos!

I went to a casino with my brother today. He dragged me kicking and screaming to play some slot machines. Why do people like playing them? I can't believe he gave this machine $20 so that I could have the dubious privilege of pressing the "Spin Reels" button over and over. I looked at my brother, and said "You do know there are jobs where YOU get paid to push a button over and over?" I looked around, and saw all these old people sitting at the slots mindlessly pushing their buttons repeatedly, all the while smoking like chimneys. I guess they're lonely, and like seeing the busy life of a casino, but damn, doesn't it seem like there could be better (and less expensive) ways to spend their time?

And I can't believe my brother would play slot machines when he knows that they are a casino's biggest money maker.

To meddle, or not to meddle?

Today's quote: If there's anything worse than a woman living alone, it's a woman saying she likes it.


What do you do if a dear friend might not be making the right decision about something? Do you wait for them to ask for your opinion, or do you offer it anyway, or even if you know that they don't want your opinion do you force it upon them regardless because you think that they are turning a willfully blind eye to the truth?

And what about the other side? How much of your friend's advice do you take? Sometimes I wonder if their interference only makes things worse. Perhaps I am more easily influenced by the opinions of others than I thought. I went from willfully ignoring everyone's opinions before, and then when that turned out disastrously, I swung to the other extreme, of maybe giving too much merit to what they thought. Sometimes things are just better off left alone to simmer, without actively thinking about things all the time, without trying to always do something about them.

I saw this on Arbusto's site...thought it was mostly true for myself as well. Maybe it's time to be a little more about me now.

Your Birthdate: November 9

Your birth on the 9th day of the month adds a tone of idealism and humanitarianism to your nature. You become one who can work easily with people because you are broadminded, tolerant and generous. You are ever sensitive to others' needs and feelings, and you are very sympathetic and compassionate. Your feeling run deep and you often find yourself in dramatically charged situations. This 9 energy always tends to give more that it gets.

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

Bad wedding luck

Today's quote: Come back and make up a good-bye at least. Pretend we had one.

I got an email from a dear friend DZ, and it was a link to her wedding and honeymoon photos. They were so beautiful. She was one of the first roommates I'd ever had, and definitely one of the most pleasant. It's great to know that some friendships do endure the test of time and moving away and all that.

Anyway, I got to thinking how I've never been to a wedding. I've been invited to at least 4. The first two I got sick the day of the weddings. The third one my friend here invited me to go with him this summer, but I didn't go. Now I wish I had. And then I missed DZ's wedding because it was the weekend after school started. I also wish I had been able to go to hers.

Weddings...I have no idea how I would feel watching the ceremony. Would I cry? Would I feel joy at watching such a special union take place? Hopefully I won't continue this disturbing pattern of always missing weddings, especially not at my own.

Wakey wakey

Today's quote: Sometimes the things that may or may not be true are the things a man needs to believe in the most. That people are basically good; that honor, courage, and virtue mean everything; that power and money, money and power mean nothing; that good always triumphs over evil; and I want you to remember this, that love... true love never dies. You remember that, boy. You remember that. Doesn't matter if it's true or not. You see, a man should believe in those things, because those are the things worth believing in.

Ok, so what does it mean when I've been having blackouts? Apparently I have talked to some people on the phone and not remembered I called or talked to them at all. I've also been calling people and forgetting that I've called them one second after I've hit the send button. My dad got really mad at me for doing that to him a couple of times, and demanded to know why I called him without saying anything. I'm too young for Alzheimers...

Also, if I've got insomnia, are there any good otc sleeping aids I can take?

Some people...

Today's quote: A man would rather be trampled by elephants that are on fire than tell you that he's just not that into you.

Your Inner Child Is Happy

You see life as simple, and simple is a very good thing. You're cheerful and upbeat, taking everything as it comes. And you decide not to worry, even when things look bad. You figure there's just so many great things to look forward to.

How Is Your Inner Child?

Sometimes I reflect on some of the friends I have made, and I just shake my head. For instance, there was that bitchy roommate K who used to call me Big Bird all the time. Then there was my other friend Z who constantly put me down too.

Today I called Z because I had yet another dream in a series for the last couple of weeks. I just wanted to hear someone talking. Her advice to me was to keep myself too busy to even think. I replied, well yesterday was the last day at one of my jobs... To which she said maybe I'd made the wrong decision.

Why on earth would a friend plant doubts in your mind about a decision you've already made? Is not the role of a friend sometimes to be supportive? Why the wishy-washy attitude when I've done something that cannot be taken back?

Perhaps it is time for some new friends.

It's been awhile

Today's quote: I know this is wrong, but do you ever wonder if she just made the whole thing up? I mean, it's a pretty good one. It's not like anyone can ever use virgin birth as an excuse again.

So I went to church for the first time in years yesterday. I think the last time I listened to a sermon I was around the tender age of 10. Yeah, so it's really been awhile. It's not like I'd expected the same exact type of church I used to go to, but I certainly wasn't expecting anything like Parkview. That place is overwhelming. I went into the auditorium, where they have two ginormous flat screens mounted up high, and there was a live band performing. I was totally taken aback when confronted with the sight. The old church I used to go to had old fashioned wooden pews, a place in the back for the choir to sit, and the minister most certainly did not have a microphone headset. And we actually sang hymns, not "praise songs." The songs made me think of Saved! starring Mandy Moore. I felt like such an old geezer.

I'm not sure, but it seemed to me that the good old stuff like faith and the gospel should appeal to the person for themselves, not because they've been given new and shiny packaging in the form of live entertainment and huge flat screens depicting pictures etc. Maybe I'm just old fashioned.

Also, have preachers always chosen to expound on such a tiny section of text? Maybe I just have a bad attention span. But the way the minister was parsing the text and explaining almost every word was enough to make me want to scream. I'm a slow reader by nature, but even I can read more than 9 lines of verse in an hour.

I guess I shall choose to conduct my own studies of the Bible by myself at home, law school style.

Is this a sign?

Your IQ Is 130

Your Logical Intelligence is Below Average Your Verbal Intelligence is Exceptional Your Mathematical Intelligence is Genius Your General Knowledge is Exceptional

A Quick and Dirty IQ Test

Your Career Type: Investigative

You are precise, scientific, and intellectual. Your talents lie in understanding and solving math and science problems. You would make an excellent: Architect - Biologist - Chemist Dentist - Electrical Technician - Mathematician Medical Technician - Meteorologist - Pharmacist Physician - Surveyor - Veterinarian The worst career options for your are enterprising careers, like lawyer or real estate agent.

What's Your Ideal Career?

Cyclers

Today's quote: I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me... but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life... You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry... you will someday.


I was at dinner last night with some friends, when the subject of cyclers came up. Silly me, I asked, what do you mean? Apparently cyclers are those who will pick one friend to spend all their time with to the exclusion of all others. So much so, that it's almost as if they one day get tired of them and just suddenly drop them. So it kind of looks like they went through a "phase." It's just that instead of going through a phase like a mid-life crisis or liking to wear pink, it's with a person. When I heard that, I just knew that J would have been jumping up and down, screaming and pointing at me.

It's not like I ever meant to do such a thing...it's always been more like eventually there would be a falling out with my favorite friend. As J put it baldly, then I'm screwed because by that time I had let all my other friendships fall through and have no one to turn to anymore. Even if I do eventually make up with that person, things are just never the same again. I guess now is the time to break my cycle.

Inspector Gadget

Today's quote: So, you have your cousins, and then you have your first cousins, and then you have your second cousins...

How You Life Your Life

You seem to be straight forward, but you keep a lot inside. You tend to avoid confrontation and stay away from sticky situations. Your friends tend to be a as quirky as you are - which is saying a lot! You have one big dream in your life, and you never lose sight of it.

How Do You Live Your Life?

I read Arbusto's entry about whether he needed a Palm. I used to have one several years back because I thought it would be really cool to have one, and not even like I really needed one. After about a year or so I sold it to my friend because I realized that like most gadgets, I really didn't need it.

It's amazing how many things we feel we need to have with us at all times. It's starting to feel like too much stuff to carry in my purse. Sometimes I even get resentful over having to carry a purse. I wish that I could just have a wallet in my back pocket like most guys. There just seem to be more and more things being marketed as essential, things that people can't live without. In reality, people can do without most things. But then again, I'm one to talk, I have dual lcds.

I stand back, look at my purses, and I see a trend towards larger and larger purses. Maybe I should treat them like clothes. You know what they say, don't buy clothes in bigger sizes because you'll just grow bigger to fit them.

Why now?

Today's quote: Perhaps luck exsists somewhere between the world of planning, the world of chance, and the peace that comes from knowing that you just can't know it all.

Sometimes I wonder what motivates people to take the actions that they do. One of my ex-boyfriends asked me for my address a few weeks ago, saying that he was going to mail me a frame. I assumed it was something I'd left behind last year when I moved out. When I got the package today, I opened it and found a bunch of my photos with a frame. If all he wanted to do was do a little purging and get rid of stuff, why not just throw them away? It's not like I would know. Nor did I expect us to get back together. Why take this extra little step to take the effort to mail me something from so far away? It almost feels as if this is one last parting shot to get at me.

My brother suggested that perhaps it was his way of showing me that he was moving on. Sure, moving on is good. It's one thing to decide for yourself that you're going to move on, because I would expect nothing less. But it's another thing to rub it in someone else's face. We'd told each other that we wouldn't give anything back. None of my girlfriends gave pictures back.

Girls may be crazy, but boys are just stupid.